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Commentaries for the Week of February 18, 2002 |
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Ever watch TV’s Matlock, with Andy Griffith? Remember Matlock’s signature insult “jackass”? It’s what he calls a liar, misfit, thug. This leads to Ted Turner, founder of CNN, Jane Fonda’s former husband, and as big a jackass as you will ever meet.
A couple years ago Uncle Ted called Christianity “a religion for losers.” He dubbed the Pope “a dope,” and people who observe Lent “Jesus freaks.” Turner had to apologize. Now, there he goes again, telling an audience at Brown University that the terrorists who flew planes into the World Trade Center were “brave, at the very least.”
To Ted, the reason the Center was hit is because “there are a lot of people living in abject poverty out there who don’t have any hope for a better life.” He then praised Fidel Castro -- talk about poverty, and no better life -- and called President Bush “another Julius Caesar.”
Ted, I’ll return the compliment. You’re another Brutus -- except that Brutus had brains. Ted Turner hasn’t been right upstairs since he bought the Atlanta Braves. He is a fop, a fool, and apparently a Quisling. Terrorists kill because they’re evil -- something Ted can’t understand. What I don’t understand is why he and Hanoi Jane got divorced. No two jackasses ever deserved each other more.
Think of Clinton and Clinton as the un-New York Yankees. The Yankees are modest, exude class, and produce more than they promise. They give what you bargain for -- and more.
The Clintons, by contrast, are loud, garish, coarse. To them, class is more foreign than a moral White House intern. As President, Bill Clinton was our lounge lizard -- and America was the lounge. Even now, they refuse to leave us. What remains is their odor. Like Lady Macbeth, theirs is the spot that will not out.
Last year Clinton and Clinton were accused of stealing gifts from the White House that belonged to us. Turns out they were even busier than we thought. A new Congressional report says the Clintons never reported gifts like champagne, cigars, watches, jewelry, silk ties, and imported suits. Indeed, they apparently undervalued many gifts below $250 -- the threshold level for reporting. Chelsea got some gifts meant for the White House. Monica’s gifts were not reported, period.
Last year the Clintons’ own disclosure form listed $190,000 in gifts. This report shows it far higher. The Yankees take two and hit to right. Leaving the White House, the Clintons took presents and hit the road. To them, gifts keep on giving. To us, their stench keeps on stinking. The Bible says more blessed to give than to receive. You’d never know it by Clinton Inc.
Si vous plait. What can one say about the French? There they go again? They just can’t help themselves? Al Gore once malapropped, “A leopard doesn’t change his stripes.” The French can’t change theirs -- especially the yellow stripe. Who would have thought the 2002 Olympics would become a crucible of shame?
I refer, of course, to the fix at Salt Lake City. You know about it. Two Canadian figure skaters shoot the lights out -- yet lose to the Russians. Turns out a French judge promised to vote for the Russians -- if the Russian judge would later back Vichy French ice shakers. Olympic pride? Taken for a ride. French honor can’t get off the schnide.
Some nations think less of themselves than they deserve. Great Britain, for one. Brits gave the world law, culture, democracy, and the universal language. Yet they remain modest, unassuming. The French think more of themselves than warranted. Think of their reflexive anti-Americanism. Or how rudely they treat tourists. Recall how they do best that which matters least -- wine, fashion, cars. Try building a civilization on that. Gertrude Stein said of Oakland, “There’s no there there.” That goes double for the French.
The French are suckers for style, not character. If they were a dog, they’d be a poodle. A word, they’d be a punk. A food, a doughnut -- hollow at the center. For them, fixing an Olympics is a lark in the park. When the French army collapsed in World War II, Winston Churchill gasped, “But it’s not possible.” Sure it is. It’s easy if your French. Almost as easy as blackening an Olympics.
Former baseball manager Danny Ozark was once asked about team morale. “Morality,” he huffed, “is not an issue here.” Then, he commented on a losing streak. “Those games were beyond my apprehension.” Too often morality is never an issue in our if it feels good, nonjudgemental, plutolerant public schools. Now, add a Catholic high school in Los Angeles as beyond our apprehension. I kid you not: What I will say is true.
This school -- which, for obvious reasons, has asked to remain nameless -- wants to raise money by auctioning off dinner with Heidi Fleiss and her boyfriend. Who is Heidi Fleiss? Not the girl next door. She is a notorious prostitute, former Hollywood madam, and -- God place the mark -- ex-Catholic school girl. The highest bidder will get a limo ride with Heidi, pair of Fleiss’ underwear from her lingerie line, and copy of her upcoming tome, “A Hooker Book.” True. Every word.
A school volunteer in charge of the auction says Fleiss’ infamy will spur interest. Actually, it should spur the sacking of this moronic tramp. A whore, being auctioned by a Catholic school? What’s next: Archbishop Egan of New York City admitting he’s a Moslem? It’s said the public schools fail our kids. It is also true they have no monopoly on deviants on parade.
Today, let’s talk about Hollywood USA. You could call it the law of the jungle -- except that would be unfair to animals. Hollywood’s jungle includes citizens of both coasts -- hence, the problem. Says Robert Duvall: “It’s the fly-over mentality. They live in New York and LA and don’t hold the people in the middle in high esteem.”
Let me return the favor, citing two examples of Hollywood’s malaise. One, “Sweet Home Alabama,” portrays Southerners as rancid, stupid, evil people. One filmmaker says: “Hollywood has turned the south into an un-American region.” Spend any time in Hollywood? It wouldn’t know the real America if it were wrapped in red, white, and blue? Been lately to the South? If we were as civil and religious, our region would be a far better place.
By contrast, another film, “A Walk To Remember,” flaunts Mayberry without the accent. No booze or filth or drugs or sleaze. At 17, the leading character has become a star. Actually, the film stars via honesty and courtesy and kindness and love. Hollywood hates it. Ditto, their midwife, the counterculture media. One twisted critic said it “plays like a propaganda film sponsored by the religious right.” Maybe that’s why it’s a run-away hit.
Most jungles have redeeming features. Hollywood, by contrast, fails. Call it sick, biased, bigoted, and immoral. On second thought, let’s be accurate. Call its jungle scum.
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